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Hell hath no fury like that of a wind-up plastic nun.

Every story must have a beginning, every living legend must at some point seize opportunity, rise up from the darkness and pull back the veils of obscurity, ideally with some gusto. And even more ideally while remembering to wear pants, because there is nothing more embarrassing than getting up of a morning, dragging yourself to your window and pulling open your curtains or “veils”- whether they’re made of obscurity or some sort of tangible fabric- to allow the light of new day and/or destiny to extend its fingers into the musty corners of your life, only to realize too late that in the exhausting journey from darkness to light you neglected to put on any pants! And lo! What have we here? It’s a gaggle of small Sunday School children admiring the late 18th century architecture of your building! Hello there, children! Lovely day, isn’t it? At this point you might as well just smile and wave and hope they don’t call the police, the damage is done.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, obscurity and pants, right. Well, to return to the point, for us that time is now.* My esteemed partner and I have chosen this exact moment to reveal ourselves to the world (no, not like that, you pervert; we can’t afford two indecency lawsuits in one month). It is time that we started giving back to a community from which we have taken so much, and what better way to give back than by starting a junk food blog!¬†This is destined to be an outlet for all of our most perverted junk food fantasies. My arteries are clogging just thinking about it… clogging with excitement!

You may have noticed by now the use of such words as “I” intermingling lewdly amongst other words such as “we” and “us” in ways that baffle and confuse you. Allow me (us) to clarify something for you (yous). There are in fact two writers to this one blog. Aghhh, the math! It burns! It’s unclear at this point whether we will ever write entirely separate posts or whether we shall just allow our creative juices to flow together in a delightful cocktail, one post at a time. The answer is hazy and unclear, not unlike your prom date after you spiked the punch. For now just assume that what you see is a tasty combination of our respective talents.

There may be a few of you out there, most likely the ones with yesterdays arts and crafts glue still finding residence between your molars, who will ask, “Why a junk food blog? That’s stupid, I’m going to go watch ‘Steven Seagal: Lawman’ on A&E.” It’s as simple an answer as can be- because we can. “But wait, aren’t there already a slew of decently written, corporate sponsored junkfoodblogs out there,” you reply, slack-jawed and stupefied? Yes, we reply in a long, world-weary sigh. But is there only one political blog in existence? Only one literary blog? Only one blog devoted entirely to the ancient art form of mime? No. There are many, and they all work together towards their own particular (utterly less interesting) goals. We are here, on the exclusive club we have come to know as the “Internet,” to add our own distinct¬†flavor. So take a bite, you just might like it! Yeah, get in there, don’t be afraid. Uhhh, yeah, just like that. That’s it…

Sylvester Stallone, eat your heart out.

Ahem. Though we have yet to be tempted with a dump truck full of cold hard cash, for the time being I can say to a relative certainty that we are “not” doing this for the money. Which is to say, unlike some of the “other” junk food blogs out there you will not find our’s to be an overburdening influx of product placement and advertisement. We will certainly review different foods and beverages that we love and hate but I think what will set us apart is that we are really doing this primarily to amuse ourselves, not to “inundate” you with “knowledge”. “We” don’t even really “know” “why” we’re doing “this”.

But we love it already, and hope you will too.

So sit back, relax, pop open some of your favorite mouth rotters and prepare for your brain to slowly dissolve into a gelatinous ooze. We’re already there.

*It may be interesting to note that during the writing of that segment, while I was “pulling back the veils” of my own obscurity, I was in fact sitting in a darkened room not wearing any pants.


We did it

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Have a question? Comment? Phan foto? Or just need a delicious suggestion for that big date? Email us at: thejunkmales@gmail.com