Archive for the 'Misc./ Eclectic Musings' Category

That Late-Night Craving: Pt. I

We have all found ourselves in that late night position. Dinner was eaten and digested hours ago, we should probably be in bed but aren’t, and there’s a rumbly in our tumbly. Whether drunk, stoned, or God-forbid sober, we need a snack. We cannot help ourselves, it’s just our metabolisms, right? These are the nights that we find ourselves in a not-uncommon position for people of our age group- unprepared. “Oh, what’s that, Mr. Cupboard, you only have TOP RAMEN? Is that a joke? What happened to all that bread I stocked you with last Wednesday night? I mean, it’s [insert alliterative day/drink reference here]!! I should have thought ahead for the late-nite calorie intake! Oh well, dry ramen and hot sauce is a meal, right? They would probably kill to eat that in Africa, I can only imagine.”

Disgraceful! Outrageous! Unforgivable! It is for this reason that we, The Junk Males, are here to give you a not too-far-fetched list of some of the things we have crammed down our oft-intoxicated throats in the weeeeee hours of the morning. Whether they be found-object meals, hurried change- scrounging vending machine transactions, or even stumbling supermarket walks, that late night meal can be the difference between passing out mildly hungry and passing out anyways, after some comfort food that will be regretted the next day. But for real, what are we here for if not to talk about things you’ll regret the next day? It would be downright irresponsible of us to leave you with “healthknowledge.” Presented in front of a live studio audience, for the first time, are a few of the “recipes” that The Junk Males have stumbled upon, late at night. Book deal, here we come!


1. Skittles Fruit Salad- Ahhh, the fabled Skittles fruit salad. You are finally making your long-awaited breakthrough debut! This author may not be entirely sure of the state of vending machines at the disposal of all our fine readers, but it is a rare occasion to visit these dispensaries of salty-sweet treats and find not one, not two, but all three flavors of Skittles (for this post, the three types are original, wild berry, and tropical varieties)! Wow! This trifecta is so rare in fact, that it makes Skittles Fruit Salad a truly seasonal salad. Which makes it all the sweeter. Now for the nitty-gritty stuff. First, you must open the packages, which can be harder than it sounds, especially at 3:27 in the am, and empty their contents into some kind of container, whether it be large mug or small bowl. Then, well, that actually completes the laborious preparations. Afterward all that’s left is eating the delicious snack! Diabetes never felt so healthy. PS- The Junk Males’ Skittles Fruit Salad is a vegan treat!

2. Mexican Funyun Dip- This one is a little more complicated than simply mixing three varieties of a candy together, but not much. One must be on a mission. A drunk mission. All you really need is a bag of Funyuns and some sour cream. Whether homemade or store-bought, the sour cream is essential. Without it, this “recipe” would be even lamer than it already is. But I guarantee you, it is a delicious snack. Or at least I remember it being pretty good….. PS- The Junk Males’ Mexican Funyun Dip isn’t a vegan treat!

3. Frozen Chicken Nugget Pizza- Along with this tasty “recipe” you will also get a short anecdote! Lucky you! (For those of you who are not lucky please stop reading now). To start this one off right you first need to imbibe moderate to heavy amounts of alcohol, preferably girly cocktails, and boogie your little hearts out on a seedy dance floor until you’re ready to drop. Then you must sniff out the location of the nearest 24 hour grocery store which you will proceed to wander noisily through in high spirits but with a gnawing belly. Frozen pizza sounds like the logical choice, and as we all know Freschetta is betta, but it just isn’t enough, which is why you decide to garnish your 1-2 pizzas with some breaded chicken nuggets that are, and this next point is crucial, cut into the shapes of dinosaurs. The cooking process now should be pretty straight forward assuming you actually manage to get to a working stove and further assuming you can figure out how to turn the mono-directional thermostat knob to “on”. After not eating for what seems like decades the results of your efforts will be nothing short of delightful, especially if you are daring enough to douse the concoction in barbeque sauce. And if you’re paying attention through all this you might just be fortunate enough to see something that will cause you to snort pepperoni through your nose. While I was helping pioneer this late-night treat one of my friends fell asleep in the middle of our meal. The rest of us carried on eating and talking for at least another 20 minutes before we decided to rouse him and shuffle him off to bed, and as we shook him awake from his reclined position against the kitchen table the front half of a Brontosaurus shaped nugget came spilling out of his confused and weary mouth, causing the rest of us to erupt in drunken laughter. I think someone finished eating it later. PS- The Junk Males’ Frozen Chicken Nugget Pizza isn’t a vegan treat!




Hell hath no fury like that of a wind-up plastic nun.

Every story must have a beginning, every living legend must at some point seize opportunity, rise up from the darkness and pull back the veils of obscurity, ideally with some gusto. And even more ideally while remembering to wear pants, because there is nothing more embarrassing than getting up of a morning, dragging yourself to your window and pulling open your curtains or “veils”- whether they’re made of obscurity or some sort of tangible fabric- to allow the light of new day and/or destiny to extend its fingers into the musty corners of your life, only to realize too late that in the exhausting journey from darkness to light you neglected to put on any pants! And lo! What have we here? It’s a gaggle of small Sunday School children admiring the late 18th century architecture of your building! Hello there, children! Lovely day, isn’t it? At this point you might as well just smile and wave and hope they don’t call the police, the damage is done.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, obscurity and pants, right. Well, to return to the point, for us that time is now.* My esteemed partner and I have chosen this exact moment to reveal ourselves to the world (no, not like that, you pervert; we can’t afford two indecency lawsuits in one month). It is time that we started giving back to a community from which we have taken so much, and what better way to give back than by starting a junk food blog! This is destined to be an outlet for all of our most perverted junk food fantasies. My arteries are clogging just thinking about it… clogging with excitement!

You may have noticed by now the use of such words as “I” intermingling lewdly amongst other words such as “we” and “us” in ways that baffle and confuse you. Allow me (us) to clarify something for you (yous). There are in fact two writers to this one blog. Aghhh, the math! It burns! It’s unclear at this point whether we will ever write entirely separate posts or whether we shall just allow our creative juices to flow together in a delightful cocktail, one post at a time. The answer is hazy and unclear, not unlike your prom date after you spiked the punch. For now just assume that what you see is a tasty combination of our respective talents.

There may be a few of you out there, most likely the ones with yesterdays arts and crafts glue still finding residence between your molars, who will ask, “Why a junk food blog? That’s stupid, I’m going to go watch ‘Steven Seagal: Lawman’ on A&E.” It’s as simple an answer as can be- because we can. “But wait, aren’t there already a slew of decently written, corporate sponsored junkfoodblogs out there,” you reply, slack-jawed and stupefied? Yes, we reply in a long, world-weary sigh. But is there only one political blog in existence? Only one literary blog? Only one blog devoted entirely to the ancient art form of mime? No. There are many, and they all work together towards their own particular (utterly less interesting) goals. We are here, on the exclusive club we have come to know as the “Internet,” to add our own distinct flavor. So take a bite, you just might like it! Yeah, get in there, don’t be afraid. Uhhh, yeah, just like that. That’s it…

Sylvester Stallone, eat your heart out.

Ahem. Though we have yet to be tempted with a dump truck full of cold hard cash, for the time being I can say to a relative certainty that we are “not” doing this for the money. Which is to say, unlike some of the “other” junk food blogs out there you will not find our’s to be an overburdening influx of product placement and advertisement. We will certainly review different foods and beverages that we love and hate but I think what will set us apart is that we are really doing this primarily to amuse ourselves, not to “inundate” you with “knowledge”. “We” don’t even really “know” “why” we’re doing “this”.

But we love it already, and hope you will too.

So sit back, relax, pop open some of your favorite mouth rotters and prepare for your brain to slowly dissolve into a gelatinous ooze. We’re already there.

*It may be interesting to note that during the writing of that segment, while I was “pulling back the veils” of my own obscurity, I was in fact sitting in a darkened room not wearing any pants.

We did it

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