Archive for March, 2010

Easter Madness

Behold us now as we emerge, crawling naked and covered in the afterbirth of our own creation, into the dawn of a new era! Release the white doves so that they might take wing and blot out the sun! In the intermittent gaps between the now freed avian clouds coursing through the morning air, light winks mischievously off golden trumpets as they unleash a thunderous blast calculated such that our coming be announced to the heavens and beyond. For it is here, the first official post… of the Junk Males.

Luckily for us the timing of this first post finds us of the junk food community, and you of the “world”, currently in limbo between two of the greatest candy holidays of the year. Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a sweet, chocolatey memory, bitten into and half forgotten on our bedside tables, and Easter, ripe with scandalous tales and parody, is just around the corner. Rather than take a look back at a holiday past we have chosen to continue the march forward, boldly, to what lies ahead. We would rather excite you about what your future holds than make you pine for a past you can never get back. Never ever. No matter how hard you try.

As with most great holidays now dedicated almost solely to gluttonous food consumption, Easter was precipitated by another event that happened long ago, in a land far, far away. Thankfully nothing brings to mind delicious, sugary treats more readily than the gruesome murder of a young man in the small, occupied nation of Israel. Wait a tick; that copious blood, gore, and violence doesn’t do anything for my sweet tooth! Let us give a moment of silence               (shhh… silenter)                so that we can completely forget about “him” and instead focus on things that aren’t disgusting or religious. Let’s just get straight to the sugar, bunnies, and eggs.

A surprisingly fun, vibrant, and modernist approach to one of the most brutal forms of torture and public humiliation to ever be accepted as a standard execution

Moving forward, we will examine the history of the rabbits and the eggs. If you guys behave, you might get a treat that we “promise” will not be hidden. First though we will answer that age-old question that has been plaguing stand-up comedians, philosophers, and other pseudo-intellectuals for millenia: “Which came first, the bunny or the egg?”

Bringing us to our smoothest transition ever.

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE BUNNY OR THE EGG?

Now, I don’t want to enter into a long-winded history lesson about The Easter Bunny because, come on, it’s like super common knowledge. Everybody knows that The Easter Bunny, or Easter Bilby depending on your national preference, first originated in the 1600’s in Alsace, Germany. And everybody knows that the reason Easter Eggs first entered the picture was likely because the hairy German hares, too fluff-a-licious to fit in normal sized rabbit burrows, built nest-like “forms” above ground which were easily confused with plover nests, causing the local bumpkins to believe that hares were actually laying the plover eggs! Boring. What I’ve got up my sleeve is much jucier. It’s much more, let’s say, “imaginative” and definitely much more likely to get me sued by a large multi-national corporation. You know the one.

For years now, as long as this worldly and embittered author can remember, every Easter has come packaged with the same cleverly constructed and beautifully manicured lie that has been forced down the throats of men, women and children through criminally masterful television ad campaigning. Every year this heinous deceit is readily accepted as gospel by the huddled masses who are too terrified to ask the hard questions and put their necks on the chopping block. Well I say no more! Enough is enough! I can no longer stand idly by while another generation is brought up celebrating Easter in a world gone wrong. It is only now that I have irrefutable evidence to back me up that I can finally go public and proclaim for all to hear that…

THE CADBURY BUNNY IS A FAKER!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not those delightfully creamy-milk chocolate on the outside-sugary egg yolk on the inside-delicious Easter treats known as Cadbury Eggs were never in fact laid by a bunny at all! Thanks to new technologies only recently at my disposal I’ve at last been able to discover the truth behind what is perhaps the biggest bunny caper of all time.

I first realized that something was awry during the airing of one of Cadbury’s very own commercials. This cunning bunny-facsimile, while an admitted master of disguise, apparently never gained the same masterful control over the language of the creature it was trying to replicate. Observe.

Pay especially close attention to the first six seconds of the video, before the corporate brainwashing begins. Pretty astonishing, isn’t it ? No bunny ever uttured those sounds, of this I was certain even before my years of research began. How Cadbury ever could have been careless enough to let this slip onto public airways is beyond me but after seeing it first (second) hand I knew immediately what had to be done. It was time for this simple country boy to bust open a hoax as dark and wide as the starry night sky over a wind swept prarie. Get along, little doggie.

The road to discovery was long and dusty, not unlike a ride along the borderlands of Texas in the middle of a summer drought- that’s my last cowboy metaphor, I swear. There were times when what seemed like a brilliant and promising theory would fizzle out to nothing but physiological impossibility. I knew that I had to keep fighting my way through but the going was tough and hope was dwindling. Until one day it came to me. It was so obvious I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before, but you know what they say… don’t you? Well you should. Anyway, the answer was x-rays! Using state of the art thermonuclear x-ray technology I was able to see into the truth of the matter once and for all.

Pre-super fancy x-rayfication.

This first picture was taken using a stadard digital camera with no x-ray bunny filters whatsoever. But look what happens in the second picture.

Post-super fancy x-rayification.

Tah dah! Mystery revealed! Thanks to the boys down at the lab and the use of a high speed x-ray camera we can see, proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this “Cadbury Bunny” is in fact nothing more than a good old fashioned chocolate-egg laying chicken running a high tech bunny suit! If you look closely you can even see the chicken hard at work squeezing eggs out of her cloacal vent and preparing to pass them out of the suit, presumably so they can be collected and processed, eventually finding their way to a store near you. Bear in mind that I in no way intend for any of this to sour the public’s opinion of Cadbury Eggs. They are a gooey, delicious treat that I hope will be enjoyed by many for years to come, but in the quest for truth, we of the Junk Food Kingdom never tread softly. The brave and handsome Knights of the Rotund Table know that if you’re gonna make a chocolate omelet you’ve gotta break a few Cadbury eggs.

THIS GOES OUT TO ALL MY EASTER PEEPS

Son of God? Or maybe a NEWBORN INC creation? Both?

Has it ever happened to you that, while spending 20 or 30 minutes deciding which chip flavor should accompany your latest soda purchase, a small child waddles up and asks, “Hey, guy, can you buy me some candy?” Of course. This kind of thing happens all the time. After asking where the kid’s parents are and quickly rubbing away the new sharp pain in your left shin you say yeah, you’d love to buy him some candy. You calmly ask, from a safe distance, which type is preferable. This apparently unsupervised, thoroughly entitled child tells you, “Ummmm, I don’t know, but it should contain the following:  Sugar, Corn Syrup, and Gelatin. It should also contain 0.5% of the following ingredients: Potassium Sorbate, Yellow #6, Natural Flavors, Yellow #5 (Tartrazine), Red #40, Blue #1, and Carnauba Wax! Beyond that, I am not very picky.” Well kid, this is your lucky day, because do we have the treat for you! It’s called the Marshmallow Peep! They’re…..pretty good, I guess.

Now, the very first thing that comes to mind, besides when bratty little ankle biters got so much better at chemistry then me, is whether there is Peep-related research that has been done within the scientific community? Also, will I want to eat them a lot less after learning more about them, like that time we went to my uncle’s hot dog factory? The answers are parallel “yes’s”. While maintaining one of the most chemically simple ingredients lists we are sure to ever pretend to consult prior to chowing down, these little marshmallow wonders create some very heady research opportunities. In fact, an entire web site centers around just that, peepsresearch. Presented here are so many reasons not to eat Peeps that it hurts us. Physically.

Peeps are nearly indestructible. Personally, I hope that most of the things that I unceremoniously insert into my mouth-hole would be soluble in materials such as: water, sulfuric acid, acetone, and a number of other dangerous chemicals. Peeps, however, are not. More disturbing still, the eyes of Peeps are even harder to disintegrate than their marshmallow torsos. This image alone should get you off the stuff, if nothing else does. When all else is gone the judging, nearly symmetrical candied eyes of a soulless confection remain, seated deep within you, forever staring into your soul. This is truly the Easter of your own discontent.

And this is the sugary morsel that catapulted Easter into the candied-holiday hall of fame, where it remains to this day.

Smoked meat and peep sandwich

Peeps have found their way into the hearts and souls of (almost exclusively) Americans from every corner of this great nation. They have also found their way into some kinda strange photographic and artistic subcultures. Countless contests exist in which Peeps are photographed doing silly things, or merely posing in front of the world’s landmarks and monuments. Just because they are completely incapable of emoting and are, as a matter of fact, inanimate objects, they are not without emotion. They marry. They protest.  They have also found their way into our grilled cheese sandwiches. Recently, a branded flagship Peeps store opened up just outside our great nation‘s capital city. It opened with just enough distance from the Easter holiday season to remind us that Peeps are “Always in Season,” while still remaining conveniently close enough to cash in on the sweet Q1 earnings of the pre-Easter market. It is a literal testament to marshmallow consumerism.

Despite that persistent nagging feeling from deep within the reasoning lobe of the brain telling us we shouldn’t, humans and certain small rodents still eat peeps by the ton. The authors of this blog know the 63 cents that are burning holes in our respectable pockets are going to get spent purchasing an individually packaged Easter-themed bunny. Of course, it’s not the real bunny, for, similar to the belief that no Muslim can create an image that imitates life, the giants of the candy industry agree that the one true Easter Bunny can only be cast into likeness in the form of a solid chocolate statuette, meant to be looked at but never eaten. And should any of you troublemakers out there be eyeing these refined cocoa gods hungrily just remember, there are eyes everywhere, never sleeping, always watching.

Welcome!

Hell hath no fury like that of a wind-up plastic nun.

Every story must have a beginning, every living legend must at some point seize opportunity, rise up from the darkness and pull back the veils of obscurity, ideally with some gusto. And even more ideally while remembering to wear pants, because there is nothing more embarrassing than getting up of a morning, dragging yourself to your window and pulling open your curtains or “veils”- whether they’re made of obscurity or some sort of tangible fabric- to allow the light of new day and/or destiny to extend its fingers into the musty corners of your life, only to realize too late that in the exhausting journey from darkness to light you neglected to put on any pants! And lo! What have we here? It’s a gaggle of small Sunday School children admiring the late 18th century architecture of your building! Hello there, children! Lovely day, isn’t it? At this point you might as well just smile and wave and hope they don’t call the police, the damage is done.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, obscurity and pants, right. Well, to return to the point, for us that time is now.* My esteemed partner and I have chosen this exact moment to reveal ourselves to the world (no, not like that, you pervert; we can’t afford two indecency lawsuits in one month). It is time that we started giving back to a community from which we have taken so much, and what better way to give back than by starting a junk food blog! This is destined to be an outlet for all of our most perverted junk food fantasies. My arteries are clogging just thinking about it… clogging with excitement!

You may have noticed by now the use of such words as “I” intermingling lewdly amongst other words such as “we” and “us” in ways that baffle and confuse you. Allow me (us) to clarify something for you (yous). There are in fact two writers to this one blog. Aghhh, the math! It burns! It’s unclear at this point whether we will ever write entirely separate posts or whether we shall just allow our creative juices to flow together in a delightful cocktail, one post at a time. The answer is hazy and unclear, not unlike your prom date after you spiked the punch. For now just assume that what you see is a tasty combination of our respective talents.

There may be a few of you out there, most likely the ones with yesterdays arts and crafts glue still finding residence between your molars, who will ask, “Why a junk food blog? That’s stupid, I’m going to go watch ‘Steven Seagal: Lawman’ on A&E.” It’s as simple an answer as can be- because we can. “But wait, aren’t there already a slew of decently written, corporate sponsored junkfoodblogs out there,” you reply, slack-jawed and stupefied? Yes, we reply in a long, world-weary sigh. But is there only one political blog in existence? Only one literary blog? Only one blog devoted entirely to the ancient art form of mime? No. There are many, and they all work together towards their own particular (utterly less interesting) goals. We are here, on the exclusive club we have come to know as the “Internet,” to add our own distinct flavor. So take a bite, you just might like it! Yeah, get in there, don’t be afraid. Uhhh, yeah, just like that. That’s it…

Sylvester Stallone, eat your heart out.

Ahem. Though we have yet to be tempted with a dump truck full of cold hard cash, for the time being I can say to a relative certainty that we are “not” doing this for the money. Which is to say, unlike some of the “other” junk food blogs out there you will not find our’s to be an overburdening influx of product placement and advertisement. We will certainly review different foods and beverages that we love and hate but I think what will set us apart is that we are really doing this primarily to amuse ourselves, not to “inundate” you with “knowledge”. “We” don’t even really “know” “why” we’re doing “this”.

But we love it already, and hope you will too.

So sit back, relax, pop open some of your favorite mouth rotters and prepare for your brain to slowly dissolve into a gelatinous ooze. We’re already there.

*It may be interesting to note that during the writing of that segment, while I was “pulling back the veils” of my own obscurity, I was in fact sitting in a darkened room not wearing any pants.


We did it

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Have a question? Comment? Phan foto? Or just need a delicious suggestion for that big date? Email us at: thejunkmales@gmail.com